Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
by EstelRaca
Summary: Decade. SPOILERS for All Riders vs. DaiShocker. They spend the day pretending that everything's all right, that they're all fine, but eventually everyone has to sleep. Angst, character studies.
1. Tsukasa

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kamen Rider, but the potential inherent in the stories and characters keeps me coming back.

**Author's Note:** Spoilers for basically all of the DaiShocker movie, and full of angst, because though the Rider fanservice in the movie was fun, they put these guys through the emotional _wringer_ and then… well… happy ending time! I haven't seen Movie War yet and I've avoided spoilers for it, so any contradictions with that are my fault. Comments and constructive criticism always appreciated! (And if whoever requested Hibiki fic of me once upon a time reads this—it's coming.)

_Tsukasa_

Yuusuke's screaming, and he can't get him to wake up.

"Yuusuke! Yuusuke, look at me."

"Stop stop stop _please_ stop—" The young Rider's voice cracks, barely-coherent mumbling lost in another scream.

"Yuusuke!" Tsukasa shakes the young man, hands slipping on Yuusuke's sweat-slicked arms. _All_ of Yuusuke is soaked in sweat, his hair and T-shirt clinging to his body despite the relatively cool temperature. "Damn it, _wake up_."

He slaps Yuusuke.

He doesn't think about doing it. Wouldn't have done it, if he'd thought about it. But he'd been asleep himself until sixty seconds ago, and it bothers him, hearing Yuusuke cry out, and he just wants him to wake up and be back to himself again.

Back to acting like nothing happened. Acting like Tsukasa didn't betray them; like Kuuga wasn't used as a dark, rampaging puppet; like people weren't slaughtered by Tsukasa's organization, possibly by Kuuga's hand…

It's a stupid, selfish wish, and he knows, looking into dilated brown eyes that might and might not be seeing him, that it's never going to happen.

"Yuusuke…" He reaches out to touch the other man's arm, just trying to make sure that he's really awake and aware and not going to start screaming again.

He jerks back when Yuusuke flinches away, whimpering low in the back of his throat, eyes darting frantically around the room.

"Yuusuke?" Natsumi's voice precedes her by a second, the door to their room sliding open with a soft sigh. She blinks, eyes adjusting to the light, hands fidgeting with her yukata. "Tsukasa? What's…"

"You shouldn't run toward us if we're yelling, Natsumikan." He glares half-heartedly at the woman. "Good way to get yourself…"

He doesn't bother to say 'killed' because she's completely ignoring him, kneeling down on the tangled mess of fabric that Yuusuke's bedding has become and wrapping her arms around the trembling man. Yuusuke tries to flinch away from her, too, but she doesn't allow it, burying her head in his chest and holding on tight.

Tsukasa sits back on his heels, watching as the other Rider finally settles down. Yuusuke blinks, once, twice, pupils contracting back down to a normal size. His left hand ends up on Natsumi's hair, his right hovering awkwardly for a moment before finally settling onto the ground as a brace.

"Natsumi-chan? What's wrong?" It's Yuusuke's usual tone, light and pleased with the world, though the edges of his words are still rough, either from sleep or screaming.

Tsukasa smirks, a dozen bitter comments rising to his tongue, but he bites them back. Throwing bitterness at Yuusuke is usually like trying to warm the Arctic with a match. And if it's not, now… if it's not, Tsukasa doesn't want to know.

"Are you all right?" Natsumi loosens her grip on Yuusuke, raising her head to look at him.

"Ah… I'm fine." Yuusuke's smile is still bright, though it falters after a moment. "I think… ah. Sorry. I woke you both, didn't I? Sorry, sorry."

"Don't apologize. Idiot." Natsumi runs a hand over his hair, leaving it spiked on the left. "Think you can sleep again?"

Yuusuke tenses, a subtle but definite shift in his body, though he's still smiling as he nods. "Yeah. You should go back to sleep, too."

"I should." Natsumi stands slowly, her gaze not rising to meet Yuusuke's.

Dark circles ring her eyes, and though her hair is tussled Tsukasa doubts very much that she's slept at all.

"Tsukasa?" Yuusuke's hand twitches toward him, though the other Rider doesn't actually move. "I'm really sorry."

"Mmm. I do need my beauty sleep, after all." He can fake a smile with the best of them, and he's actually feeling rather proud of himself before Natsumi's hand connects with his cheek.

They freeze like that, Natsumi's face red, eyes bright; Yuusuke with his right hand stretched out, whether to help her or stop her Tsukasa can't say; him with his cheek stinging and his eyes burning for some ridiculous reason.

"Tsukasa." Natsumikan's quiet voice breaks on his name. "Tsukasa…"

She hugs him.

He doesn't respond. They've moved far beyond the point where he can understand the meaning of people's actions, and Yuusuke isn't in any shape to be his psychological compass right now.

Maybe won't want to be, after everything that's happened.

Maybe _can't_ be anymore, because he's not quite the same person who shared a room with the young Rider mere days ago. Then he didn't know anything; now he's guilty.

"Tsukasa, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… I didn't…" Natsumi's hands are buried in his shirt, holding him in place, keeping him from seeing her face. "I just… Grandpa and you, and then Yuusuke, and now… and I know you came back, and you didn't kill anyone, but I…"

Yuusuke finally moves, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Natsumi-chan. It's all right. Tsukasa-kun understands. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. I should have been able to do something."

"Idiots." Her left hand abruptly releases him, snaking around to grab Yuusuke and pull him around to her front.

For a moment they all half-sit, half-kneel there, and it should be incredibly awkward, but there's something comforting about it. Having Natsumikan holding onto him, close and alive and not hating him; having Yuusuke pressed against his side, not screaming and not apologizing, his usual dangerously empathic self.

"You both came back." She raises her head finally, and he can't tell if she's been crying or not. "You both came back, and you're both _you_, and that should be all that really matters, right?"

"Right." Yuusuke grins, his left arm going over Natsumi's shoulder, his right arm over Tsukasa's. "That's all that really matters."

He lets them stay like that, let's them hold onto him and, maybe, enjoys being held for a few minutes. But they don't know what world's going to be waiting for them tomorrow, and he's never been one for open emotional scenes. "We're home. It's night. We should be sleeping."

They agree, separating with a few sheepish looks and mumbled apologies, settling down as though nothing had happened.

But he doesn't sleep. Not for a long time, too busy listening for the first hitches in Yuusuke's breathing that will mean he's dreaming again, for any muffled noise that would mean Natsumikan's having nightmares too.

They're trying, so hard, to pretend that nothing's happened.

And he'll do anything he can to make that possible.


	2. Yuusuke

_Yuusuke_

He's afraid to go to sleep again.

It's a ridiculous thing to be afraid of. He has to sleep, if he's going to help Tsukasa and Natsumi with whatever trouble they get into next. It's not even like he can remember whatever nightmare it was that they woke him from. Just disjointed fragments, flashes of blood—in the air, on Kuuga's hands, on _his_ hands. Tsukasa, bleeding, and the look on his face is shock and betrayal and confusion and accusation and—

And he can't think about it anymore. Can't think about what happened, what might have happened, because it's not going to help with anything and it's maybe going to drive him crazy.

But he can't _not_ think about it. About the cold and the dark and the pain and the fighting, trying so hard to reach through to his body, to make it respond. To reach Kuuga, at least, so they couldn't use that. Couldn't defile his link to home, the power he uses to _help_ people.

Use it to destroy. Use it to kill. Use it to attack Tsukasa, to hurt Riders, and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop them.

He wants to bathe. Needs to bathe again, and not because he's cold and clammy with drying sweat. But it's the middle of the night, and Tsukasa already got upset with him for staying in the bath too long that evening, and as a Rider he needs to be able to handle things like this.

Needs to be able to sleep when he gets the chance, and be fine when he wakes up, and not be afraid of the dark because it reminds him too much of the power that chained him down in his own mind while they used his body.

He's shivering slightly, his right hand pressed against his abdomen, against the comforting strength of Kuuga under his skin. It doesn't feel any different, the familiar background hum of its inhuman power spread throughout his body, and that at least is something reassuring to cling to.

"Yuusuke? You all right?" Tsukasa's whisper is quiet but perfectly annunciated.

"I'm fine. Sorry." He freezes, guilty that he's keeping Tsukasa awake, ridiculously afraid that Tsukasa's going to be angry with him. He shouldn't _care _if Tsukasa gets mad at him. After all, Tsukasa spends half of his time miffed because the universe doesn't dance to the tune he plays.

But he can still feel Tsukasa's throat under his armored hands. Still hear and feel and see the blows that came before, and he doesn't want to.

"Tsukasa… it was because it was your sister controlling me, right?"

"Hmm?"

"You didn't…" He licks his lips, and at least the darkness is good for this, for letting him talk without having to look Tsukasa in the eye. "You should have henshined again. Fought back. And you didn't. Because it was your sister, right?"

"Yeah. Partly. I was hoping I could reach her. I was right." Fabric rustles softly in the silence of Tsukasa's pause. "And because I didn't want to hurt you."

"Don't." The vehemence in his own voice surprises him. "Next time it happens, hurt me. Kill me if you have to. But don't… don't…"

_Don't let me kill._

_Don't let me kill _you_._

He can't say things like that, though. Not to Tsukasa, because Tsukasa will laugh or shrug it off and he can't take that right now.

"Yuusuke, there's not going to _be_ a next time. You don't need to—"

Laughter pours out of his throat, and he's not sure what corner of his mind it's coming from or if he's going to be able to stop or if he's going to start crying afterward. But Riders don't fall apart, not because of things like this, so he swallows the pathetic sound and gets his breath back before he answers.

"It's happened _three times_ now, Tsukasa. The Imajin was all right, he didn't really want to hurt anyone. And Fourteen was… awful, but Kuuga protected me a bit, so I didn't hurt anyone, at least. But this time… this time…" He'll dream about this time for a long time. "So don't tell me it's not going to happen again. I'll try, I'll definitely try not to let it happen, and I know it's partly my fault, I need to be stronger, I need to be able to keep things like this from happening, but if I fail again—"

"Yuusuke." Tsukasa's hand wraps around his, warm and strong and not shaking ridiculously. "It's not your fault. Sure, get stronger. It's what Riders do. But this wasn't your fault. At all."

"Maybe. But still…" He sighs. "If it happens again, you'll stop me?"

"I stopped you this time, didn't I?" Tsukasa's hand tightens on his. "I can't promise I'll kill you. But I'll bring you back. That's… what people do for their nakama, right?"

He doesn't say anything for a second, the grin elicited by Tsukasa willingly using the word _nakama_ temporarily making speech impossible. "Right. And if you ever decide to be an evil overlord again, I'll be the one to knock sense back into you."

"Trust me, that's not going to happen again. I'm a genius, remember? Once hit with a cybernetic arm, twice shy. Now go to sleep."

He doesn't quite understand what Tsukasa's referring to, but it doesn't really matter. Because even when Tsukasa lets go of his hand, and he's alone in the darkness with his own thoughts, he's not scared.

He can still feel Tsukasa's fingers wrapped around his own, hear his promise that he won't let him hurt anyone.

He can still feel Natsumi's arms wrapped around his chest, hear the familiar worry in her voice as she asks if he's all right.

He can still feel Kuuga inside him, a constant, steady pulse, and for the first time all day the comfort it gives isn't tempered by a haunting certainty that he isn't worthy of it.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

He wakes to Natsumi screaming, and even though it shouldn't, the fact that Tsukasa beats him to the door makes him think that, somehow, everything's going to be—if not fine—at least okay.


	3. Natsumi

_Natsumi_

The first coherent thought she has is that she's screaming, and she needs to stop.

It's hard, biting down on the panic and the fear that are jostling for control of her mind, but it's something she has to do so she does it. If she's lucky she won't have woken Yuusuke and Tsukasa yet, because they both need to sleep after what they've been through, and the last thing they need is to take care of her.

That's her job. To take care of everyone, to patch them back together when their Rider battles don't go the way they were supposed to, to give them somewhere safe and someone happy to come home to. Because she can't fight, though she would in a heartbeat if she could, if the universe would see fit to give her one of those blessed-cursed belts.

She's almost got her breathing back under control when the door slides open, and she screams again, though that turns into a sighing hiccup of relief as she sees who it is.

Just Tsukasa and Yuusuke. Just her Riders, the men she's known for months that have the weight of years.

Not her grandfather. Not the thing wearing her grandfather's body, feigning interest in her, making the revelation of what it was as painful as it possibly could.

There are tears in her eyes, blurring the outline of the two men standing in the doorway, and she tries hard to blink them away.

Then Yuusuke turns the light on, and at least the sudden brightness is an excuse for weepy eyes.

"I'm all right." She smiles at them, trying to relax her hands where they're wrapped in a death grip on her blanket. "I'm fine. Go back to—"

Yuusuke doesn't say anything as he comes and embraces her, kneeling and resting his head on her shoulder, his strong arms wrapped around her chest. She doesn't think about embracing him back; it just happens, her arms wrapping around him, her head resting against his.

Tears run down her cheeks, and she knows Tsukasa can see them, but it's hard to mind like this. With Yuusuke both giving and taking comfort, a solid, warm, protective weight against her, and it's not fair of him to take her position from earlier and use it against her.

"Natsumikan." Tsukasa sits down beside her, right arm going around her shoulders. "We understand. Don't worry."

She blinks at him for a moment, making sure that it really is Tsukasa, but that sly quirk to his smile is his, the glint of amusement in his eyes is his. Even the uncertainty, the slight tension he gets those few times he tries to figure out how to interact with people on _their_ terms rather than his… it's all there.

It's really him, despite everything that's happened. Really Tsukasa, and really Yuusuke, and she really, really shouldn't be crying so hard, but it's been a miserable few days and she's exhausted. So she leans against the two, allows herself to be held and protected in a way that she would normally find humiliating and embarrassing because she can't do anything for them in return.

Except she can. She can wake Yuusuke from his nightmares, comfort him while Tsukasa works through what to do in that brilliant-but-stupid mind of his.

She can accept Tsukasa back, though he took everything from her in a few hours, tore her world to pieces, and just the fact that he helped glue it back together doesn't completely erase the sting of betrayal.

She can accept her grandfather back, though it scares her, ever time she looks at him, because maybe this time it's not going to be him.

She can move on and hold herself together, because she provides a home for her two Riders, and right now, that's what they all need more than anything else in all the worlds.


	4. Eijiro

_Eijiro_

It's a busy night, a noisy night, and it breaks his heart a bit, hearing the children he's been feeding and taking care of for months screaming in terror.

Screaming because of him, partly, and that's why he doesn't respond to them. It's better that way, letting them work things out between themselves, and he can tell from the rattling of doors and the clicking of lights and the stumbling of tired feet that they're doing it. They're taking care of each other, something they've gotten very good at, and they don't really need him.

It doesn't change the fact that he wants to go, aches to go, especially when it's Natsumi screaming.

He remembers her crying as a little girl. Remembers going to comfort her, telling her stories, keeping the monsters at bay.

He wonders, now, if it's real. If the memories he has, the memories she has, are truths or lies or a combination of the two.

It doesn't really matter. He's himself again now, as normal as he's ever been, and he plans on staying that way. No more capes, no more belts, no more technology and magic and darkness taking him away and making him hurt the children he's supposed to be helping.

He strokes the top of Kivala's head, comforting the little bat as it sulks because he won't let it out to go see what's wrong with Yuusuke.

Yuusuke doesn't need to see her right now.

Just like Natsumi doesn't need to see him right now, because as painful as it's got to be to see Yuusuke and especially Tsukasa after all that happened, at least she knows what to make of them.

At least she knows what they _are_.

He sighs, turning over, away from the light still burning in the hallway. They're finally quiet, though the boys are still in Natsumi's room, and he hopes that now, maybe, they'll all be able to sleep better.

Though whether they do or they don't, he'll make sure they get a good breakfast in the morning.

It's the best thing he can offer by way of apology and promise.


End file.
